Like being in a rock and roll band, for instance.
Now I'm not going to kid anybody here...I don't have the rock and roll "look." I'm not tall, lean and lugging an oversized squirrel around in my jockey shorts. I don't own any leather pants that are so tight you have to jump off the roof of your parents house to get into them. Hell, I can't scream at a high enough octave to make the neighbor dog's ears bleed.
And yet, I just can't seem to shake that dream of being a rock and roll star.
I must admit (and those who have heard me can verify this), I'm not a bad karaoke singer. While most stick to the safe, easy-to-sing songs, I'm one to stretch it out a little bit. I'll sing "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple or "Ice Cream Man" by Van Halen. Get us far enough into the evening (read: minimum six beers and five minutes before last call) and I'll even break out Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
But when it comes to playing instruments...well, that's another story altogether.
That's why I decided recently to take some of my poker winnings and...get ready...learn how to play Guitar Hero.
(My mother knows where I live and work...just have her send the guys with the backward-fitting jackets there.)
Now when you watch one of these guitar greats like Eric Clapton, Carlos Santana, Eddie Van Halen or John Petrucci (guitarist of Dream Theater, the best progressive rock band ever, in my opinion), these guys make playing the guitar look easy. The way they effortlessly maneuver their fingers across the fretboard and somehow never miss a note, regardless of how fast they are playing, is something I could just sit and watch all day.
The problem with that is this...after watching and listening them for a couple of hours, you begin to think to yourself, "Hey...I can do that."
And unless you've been living under a rock lately, you no doubt have heard all this talk about Guitar Hero and Rock Band, video games you can hook up to your Playstation, XBox 360, or Wii game systems and play along with actual songs made by actual rock groups with actual talent. Get a few songs under your belt, and your frickin' Bruce Springsteen (with the E Street Band, if you can get the rest of the family to play the other instruments that come with the game).
Recently, I bought the new Guitar Hero World Tour edition, which came complete with a brand new Fender-lookalike guitar. Attach the straps, insert the remote to the game system, put the game CD in and you are ready to rock your ass off.
Allegedly.
I started out on the easy level with a couple of songs I'm familiar with, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor and "Livin' On A Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Playing on the easy level, I was able to get through both songs without too much trouble.
Then I remembered...there are special cheat codes you can enter into the system that allows you access to many more songs (the original list had a bunch of songs that I didn't know or could care less to learn how to play. "The One I Love" by REM? I'd rather learn how to fart the song "Mary Had A Little Lamb" after a meal of Mexican food).
I found one of my favorite karaoke songs, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I have the words of this song memorized, I thought. I can sing along AND play at the same time.
Uhh...no I can't.
Early on, I discovered that concentrating on the video screen and matching what I was seeing on the screen with what I was doing with the guitar is not near as easy as it looks (I can't even begin to imagine, at this moment, how to learn to play the song on a real guitar). Before long, I thought I was getting a feel for it. As the song continued, though, the notes kept getting tougher and, before long, I started to hear the voices of discontent in the crowd.
I tried to pick things up and really focus, but I couldn't get my fingers in sync. I was either too soon or too late, or I'd just miss the notes altogether. Miss enough notes, and the song's over, the crowd boos unmercifully and the other band members look at you in disgust (oddly enough, this is a fairly accurate description of the last two years of my marriage).
I've watched my daughter and her boyfriend play Guitar Hero, and those two -- compared to me -- are rock legends. My daughter plays the ending solo from Metallica's "One" like she wrote the song (even though the song was out a good 18 months before she was even born). Her boyfriend plays like a maniac. They both make me look like a complete idiot.
And maybe it's just one of those generation things. When video games first came out, it was amusing to watch my parents try to maneuver a joystick and play Asteroids or some other game that my sister and I were experts at.
"Here, Mom," I'd say, taking the joystick from her. "Let me show you how to get out of Level 1 without losing all your lives."
But while my parents quickly learned to give up the video games and let the kids become world-class players, I'm not going to step down from my throne atop the family video game kingdom so quietly. I'm going to work on my Guitar Hero skills and, with a little luck, be able to go toe-to-toe and fret-to-fret with my daughter in a showdown on Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart."
So if you'll excuse me, I've got some rockin' to do.
Green, Red, Green, Red...no, Green, Yellow, Green, Red...no...oh screw it.
Where's Pac Man when you really need him?
