It's our fault...we voted them in

NOTE: The following is a reprint of my column, "Reality...And Other Tall Tales" that was published in the April 20 edition of the Keith County News. Enjoy...Mikey C

* * *

More than 20 years ago, the progressive heavy metal band Queensryche released a concept album called “Operation: Mind-crime,” which contained a song that speaks well, more than a generation later, to the current state of our nation.

In the song, “Revolution Calling,” vocalist Geoff Tate issues a call for change in Washington:

“Got no love for politicians, or that crazy scene in D.C., it’s just a power mad town,

But the time is ripe for changes, there’s a growing feeling, that taking a chance on a new kind of vision is due...”

Last week, “Tea Party” protests were held across the country as a sign to the “leadership” at Washington, D.C., that the American people are not happy with the government bailouts and the outlandish spending that has driven our national debt so far into the red (paying interest on the debt, for this year alone, will cost more than $800 billion) that it will take several generations to pay it off.

Some claim these demonstrations are being directed at the Obama administration, but the blame goes well beyond the new president and his tax paying-avoiding henchmen.

The blame goes far beyond the free-spending, liberal Democrats who control both sides of Congress. And, the blame is cast beyond the previous administration, which took a government surplus and turned it into the biggest deficit our nation has ever experienced; and the Republican party, which took greed to a whole new level during the past decade.

While they are the ones actively ruining our once-proud nation, the blame goes beyond the bozos in our nation’s capital. It falls on you and me, because we put these idiots in office to begin with.

Those who blindly vote along major party lines have historically voted for “representatives” who are nothing more than career politicians, willing to tell you what you want to hear to get your vote.

Many people don’t even pay attention to these bozos while they wildly spend millions of dollars on television advertising that, more often than not, points more to their opponent’s bad points than what they, themselves, will do if you elect them to office. People will, more often than not, vote for, or against, the candidate whose ads they see most often, regardless of what their position is on the issues of the day.

In the weeks leading up to the last election, I made a discovery: the problem is not that EITHER party is running the show in Washington – the problem is that BOTH parties exist as hollow, prostituted shadows of their former selves.

With that epiphany in mind, I came to the conclusion that neither party’s candidates were worthy of my vote. So, when it came time to mark my ballot, I voted for third-party or independent candidates, and even wrote my own name in for the Senate seat.

Everybody I talked to about my decision (and I’m sure some of you reading this will agree) chastised me for “wasting” my votes. Why vote for someone who you know is not going to win the election, they asked.

Ah, but here’s the rub...all but one or two of those individuals currently “representing” us in Congress are either Republicans or Democrats. And, guess who is running our national debt into the ground right now with their government bailouts and socialist agendas?

Those of you who went to the polls last November thinking that voting for Obama, or whoever else, was “the candidate of change,” obviously, were sold a bill of goods.

I, on the other hand, saw these frauds for what they have shown us to be, and in no way do I, nor will I, support anyone in Washington who has any ties to either of the two major political parties. The only “change” we saw is new faces, singing the next verse in the same old song and dance. And, as long as we continue to vote for representatives of these pathetic political parties, we will continue getting the same results.

If you want to vote for real change the next time around, make sure the ballot you cast doesn’t include a single Democrat or Republican. Only then will we begin to see real change...the “new kind of vision” our country so desperately needs right now.

Random thoughts and observations

Just a few random thoughts this time around as my brain makes the adjustment to Daylight Savings Time in the Mountain Time Zone...

-- Don't you wish you could get a member of Congress to say what he REALLY believes, and then stand behind it when questioned by the lunatic fringe known as the mainstream media.

Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa recently said that these goons who took bailout money and then gave their executives mega-huge bonuses for their incompetence, should do the honorable thing...apologize and then either resign or commit suicide.

Grassley cited the Japanese culture, where people in similar positions would rather off themselves than to shame their families and resign their posts.

It's a great idea...except that the next day, Grassley's hard-on became a vagina, he pussed out and backtracked on his earlier statement, suggesting that they should at least resign.


No, no, dumbass...they SHOULD take themselves out of the gene pool, and they should do it as soon as possible. And while we're at it, a similar fate should befall those who allegedly lead our once-great nation and have run it into such a bad state that the only way out is for them to leave office and replace them with competent people of much higher character.

Grassley, Kennedy, Pelosi, Schumer...they should all fall on a sword and do our nation right for once. Their continued failures are putting us on the road to ruin, and if they had ANY brains, they'd see that the problem can be found in their mirrors.

-- Played golf Saturday and Sunday. Threw snowballs in the wind Monday.

Ladies and gentlemen...welcome to spring in Nebraska.

-- I've come to a conclusion that should solve my longstanding bachelor status: I'm going to be more of an asshole.

It's been said that nice guys finish last. I don't know about that, but I do know this...nice guys don't get the girl.

Assholes, on the other hand...they score more often than Gene Simmons on a tour bus.

I've witnessed so many instances where a girl, who I might find attractive, hooks up with a guy that, while appearing to be a good guy on the outside, is a real asshole to the woman.

Some guys are OK as long as they are sober. One shot of tequila, shake lightly and VOILA...instant asshole. And, for whatever reason, chicks DIG the alcohol-fueled asshole.

Others just have a really screwed up view about the fairer sex. If they're barefoot, pregnant, and don't talk back, they're fine. If they get out of line...it's his job, in his teeny little mind, to slap the bitch back in line. Again, the ladies love the caveman-reared neanderthal, for reasons I can't seem to grasp.

I have a pretty long-standing track record of treating the women in my life right. Mind you, I haven't been PERFECT...but I can safely say there are no assaults on my record, and aside from the alcohol-induced occasions where I might SAY something wrong, I've been respectful and, at the very least, willing to listen to her side of the story.

This approach has, for whatever reason, failed miserably, and has been a consistent failure for the last 15 years. The carnage left behind has left my heart broken, shattered, tattered and left by the side of the road. The heart has long since healed, the scars a badge of honor...but that way of dating is not getting what I want in the pursuit of Ms. Right.

Therefore, I am going to change my philosophy, start treating women like they want to be treated...which, obviously, is like shit...and that should set me up for meeting the woman of my dreams. Being more of an asshole, and less of a nice guy, is going to net that special woman who I can treat like garbage and, at the end of the day, have her loving me in a way that will have other men wondering what I've wondered of many others:

"How the hell does an asshole like him wind up with a hottie like her?"

And if that doesn't work...I'm going to become a monk.

-- How's your NCAA bracket doing these days?

Mine is doing quite well, thank you. My projected final four (Louisville, North Carolina, Memphis and Pittsburgh) survived the first weekend, which is something I haven't been able to do for a number of years now. Of the 16 teams still remaining, 14 were on my list of Sweet 16 teams when this insanity got underway last week.

I don't want to jinx the good thing I've got going, but it could be my best NCAA bracket pick ever. As long as Louisville and North Carolina keep winning, and Pitt and Memphis can win two more, I'll be happier than Dick Vitale on Selection Sunday.

-- And, finally, from the "Birthdays you'd have bet $10,000,000 would never have been celebrated" department...rapper and resident gold-toothed black clown Flava Flav turned 50 over the weekend.


Considering his history in rap music, L.A. gangs, dating Brigitte Nielsen and involving himself with more skanky sluts than all the trailer parks south of the Mason-Dixon line combined...I'm sure the over-under on the age on his death certificate was in the low 30's.

Certainly, his IQ falls below that numerical range...

Thanks for playing, you've been a lovely audience...stay tuned for Alan O'Day.

Why can't we return politicians sooner?

If you buy a TV at Best Buy and the TV doesn't work, you can take it back to the store and get your money back.

The same holds true if you buy a faulty microwave at Wal-Mart, a bad video game at Game Stop or a box of cereal with a dead mouse in it at your local grocery store.

Why can't we do the same thing with the morons who are elected to public office? Why do we have to wait four years to "return" these idiots to whatever hole we found them buried in when they were elected last November?

Seriously...I thought that the clusterfuck of imbeciles who were elected in the 2004 and 2006 elections were the bottom of the barrel. This collection of mental midgets had the intellectual capacity of an anteater's bowel movement. We CAN'T do any worse in 2008, I thought to myself.

And I was wrong...holy horseshit was I wrong. I haven't been THAT wrong since the last argument I had when I was married (and you guys with spouses, you know what I'm talking about).

These losers who are allegedly representing our wishes in Washington are doing everything EXCEPT our wishes. And guess who's going to foot the bill for this grandiose glob of incompetence? That's right, pal...you, me, your spouse, my future spouse, our children, their children, and any illegitimate children who might unexpectedly pop up on the outer branches of the family tree.

Wasn't this an election of "change" that we were going to experience??? Nobody said that the change would consist of making things even worse than they already are.

Alleged President Barack Obama promised that business would be conducted differently in Washington with him in charge. It was the "There's a new sheriff in town, and his name's Reggie Hammond" speech.

And what have we got for our change? A $787 billion "stimulus" package and a recently passed budget of over $400 billion that is so full of pork it makes Famous Dave's look like a vegetarian buffet. And when he's grilled on it, he tries to tell us that it was former President Bush who bailed the banks out...conveniently forgetting that it was a DEMOCRAP-CONTROLLED CONGRESS (of which he was a member of at the time) THAT BEGGED FOR AND PASSED THE LEGISLATION.

Wasn't Obama going to do away with all those cute little bells and whistles our alleged representatives sneak into these bills? Fantastic job, Mr. President -- that $400 billion-plus bill you just signed into law contains a whopping NINE THOUSAND FREAKING EARMARKS!!! Great work keeping those whores in check, Einstein.

And the hits just keep on a-comin', folks. The House of Representatives' house mother, Rep. Nancy Pelosi of California, is flapping her lips about the need for ANOTHER stimulus package of as much as $500 billion. And doesn't it seem funny that every time that worthless broad speaks, or Obama spouts off on the economy, our 401K's and IRA's lose thousands of dollars more in value? Shaddap already...you're talking us all into an economy where we live our retirement years in our grandkids' basements with a box of Town House crackers and a warm, half-consumed can of Diet Pepsi.

So between the two stimulus packages and the new pork-flooded budget signed by our dubious leader, you're staring at almost $2 trillion on those three items alone. TWO TRILLION GREENBACKS, boys and girls. That's well over $20,000 for every man, woman, and child legally residing within our borders.

Here's a better idea, you D.C. assholes...instead of whoring yourselves out to Big Banks, Big Oil and whatever big cock you're sucking on right now...how about handing that "stimulus package" over to the people who could actually "stimulate" this abortion of an economy we've got right now? If I have to choose between my neighbors and I spending $20,000 a head, and some corporate buffoon at General Motors, Citibank or whatever worthless corporation with goons in three-piece suits holding their hands out for more money to spend on lavish "retreats" for their management -- most of whom are incapable of spending more than 15 seconds in the real world without pissing their pants over not having access to a resort to suntan their shriveling nutsacks -- I'd bet my money on the latter shitting away yet another "stimulus package" just as they flushed this latest one down the toilet.

Guess what, folks? I didn't elect ANY of these clods to "represent" me in Washington. I voted strictly independent and third-party candidates, because I knew EXACTLY what kind of garbage the Democraps and Repukeicans were going to send to D.C. to "represent" us.

I voted this way and everybody...EVERYBODY...laughed at me, mocked me and made fun of me for the choice I made. Well guess who called the shot and is holding a full deck of "I told you so" trump cards right about now??? Here's a quick clue...he's the author of this here little blog.

Like it says in an old Aerosmith classic -- "It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friends..."

I hope that, in 2010 and 2012, when the time comes to vote these yahoos out of office, we will all remember where we are at right now and ask ourself one simple question: AM I STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THE DEMOCRAPS AND REPUKEICANS ARE REALLY INTERESTED IN MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, OR AM I SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE BOTH PARTIES ARE A WORTHLESS BAG OF BAT SHIT AND AM GOING TO VOTE FOR REAL CHANGE THIS TIME?

That's it for this time, and as always...if you like what you've read, tell a friend, and if you DON'T like it...tell an enemy.

Time to let out the guitar hero in each of us

If you grew up during the rock and roll era (amazingly enough, most of you have, at least in a physical sense), you have played air guitar at least once in your life.

You may not publicly admit to it, but you have. You know you have. And you're full of crap if you say you haven't.

When The Beatles and The Rolling Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, it spawned zillions of otherwise semi-intelligent members of the human race to pick up a guitar and start their own local band.

Most never made it out of mom's basement (actually, most had one appearance in mom's basement, then were banished to the shed out in back with the lawn mower). Some played small venues, such as their backyard or Moe's Cafe on the corner in their home town. A handful actually graduated to playing the senior prom in their high school gymnasiums (while missing out on the REAL graduation that took place a few weeks later).

A select few, however, found their way to the big time. They recorded an album. The album found its way to some podunk radio station in North Dakota. Then South Dakota. And, if they were really lucky, they made it to actual radio stations with an audience of more than 1,000 people. Only the extremely blessed made it big enough to record a few albums, get them played all over the country, make a guest appearance on a talk show, go on their own headlining tour and subsequently break up amid a haze of drugs, booze, ex-girlfriends, wrecked Ferraris and sexually-transmitted diseases that become fodder for an episode of VH1's "Behind The Music."

But enough about the real world...let's talk about that fantasy we all shared: playing guitar in a rock and roll band.

Most of the time, our experience was limited to standing in front of the mirror in our bathroom, the door locked behind us, and the stereo cranked loud enough that people in neighboring counties would complain about the noise. We mimicked the strumming on our belt buckle, held our other hand out as we hit the note perfectly on the fret each and every time and, if we were talented enough, would lip-synch the lyrics better than Britney Spears.

Sometimes, we would be caught in the act of jamming out to our favorite guitar-oriented song. Did we give a damn? HELL NO...we were too busy rockin' to care what we looked like. We were legends...in our own mind, but legends nonetheless.

Well, now there's a little something out there for us wannabe Yngwie Malmsteens in the audience (and if you actually KNOW a Yngwie Malmsteen song, you are a true guitar rock fan) called Guitar Hero. It's a video game that can be played on XBox, Playstation or whatever video gaming console you've got, and it comes with its own guitar that can be connected to the game system, giving you the chance to be the Jimi Hendrix you always thought you could be.

I broke down recently and bought the newest version, complete with a WIRELESS system that allows me to play guitar in the kitchen, on the toilet, in my bed or standing in my underwear on the front porch in broad daylight (I haven't actually TRIED the front porch thing yet, but if I master Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" anytime soon, I'm going to walk out in my Hanes briefs and do just that. And don't think for one second that I won't...).

In learning how to play the "guitar" setup, though, I have discovered some useful tips that the game's how-to section doesn't tell you. Here are some things to think about before you turn on, plug in, tune out and rock on:

1. Ted Nugent can lean back from his knees during the solo to "Strangelhold." You are NOT Ted Nugent.

After playing a couple of songs and beginning to feel a groove while you're playing, you tend to either lean on one leg or kind of bounce up and down like you're trying to shake an unexploded fart bubble from your boxers. If you don't stretch out beforehand, you will feel it in your knees, and it's a feeling that closely resembles the feeling when somebody comes up from behind and whacks you in the back of the legs with a golf club.

And as much as you try to avoid it, you will make goofy faces while trying to hit certain notes, just like the real guitar players do. Don't fight it...just feel the groove, baby.

2. Your attention please...that is, your UNDIVIDED attention, dumbass.

There is very little room for error with this game. It's not like Galaga, where if you miss the ship the first time it floats by, you can always get it the next time around.

The notes come at you on an endless fretboard, and you have to hit the right fret color to match the color that is coming up next, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME clicking the strum key in the middle of the guitar.

You can't do one and not the other. It has to be in sync, and it has to be right on or you don't score points. And if you screw that up enough times, you start getting booed (and not the fake booing your family does to make fun of your playing air guitar in the living room...or is this something that only I had to experience in my youth???). Screw it up really bad, and you not only get booed, but the song ends prematurely and your band members boo you off the stage as well.

And if your friend calls about playing poker next weekend while you're in the middle of a Scorpions solo? Don't hit pause in the middle of the solo. You'll ruin your consecutive note streak, screw up your chances for high score and will hate your friend for breaking into your rhythm. And then you'll try to take it out on him at the poker table the next night, but will play angry and lose your entire paycheck in the process. And there's really nothing more pathetic than a hung over, broke, wannabe guitar player.

3. Who the *#@%^#$ is Bullet For My Valentine???

The new Guitar Hero: World Tour game contains a bunch of great classic tunes, with songs like Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train," the Pat Benatar classic "Heartbreaker" and even FM radio hits like "Do It Again" from Steely Dan and "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band. There is even Michael Jackson's "Beat It" (which, if you remember featured the guitar wizardry of one Edward Van Halen).

There are, however, songs by groups who I'm vaguely familiar with, but wouldn't know their music if somebody shoved an iPod full of their tunes up my ass. They're SO unfamiliar that I can't even tell you the names of the bands. And if they're unfamiliar to me, why would I bother to play songs I've never heard before?

4. "Medium" = "Impossible"

There are five levels you can play at, and each one is progressively tougher.

"Beginner" is for people whose hand-eye coordination is one step on the south side of retardation. If you can't play along at this level, you should sell your Playstation and stick to playing solitaire on your PC.

"Easy" is a little more challenging, but not really that tough as long as you follow the three previous rules above. I struggled with just one song at this level, which wouldn't have been so bad except it was Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," which is my all-time favorite karaoke song. Singing this song is easy... playing it, not so much.

"Medium" is where things get hairy. It's not all that difficult to strum along using three of the five fret keys. Using your index, middle and ring fingers, it's pretty easy to keep up. Throw that pinky finger in, though, and the confusion factor multiplies. If it's a fast-paced song, don't even try this. You will be booed offstage within the first 50 notes. And there are no winners when that happens.

After that are "Hard" and "Expert" -- if you can play any song at this level with any kind of reasonable accuracy...I hate you and will break all 10 of your fingers with a brick if I ever get the chance.

Guitar Hero has fast become one of the most popular video games on the planet (another game, Rock Band, is a clone of the Guitar Hero franchise), and some bands have even signed deals to have exclusive versions of the game featuring many of their hits. Metallica and Aerosmith already have their own games, and I'm sure it won't be long before we see other classic bands get their own game.

It will be yet another chance for the rock star in all of us to live out our dreams of being a guitar god, so long as we remember to sit down while we're playing that big solo in "Kick Out The Jams."

I'd love to write some more, but I need to get back to the guitar. I need to bang my head and nail the solo to a Motorhead song before bedtime.

ROCK ON, DUDES...YEAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOWWWWW!!!!

The cat in the...uh...bong?

Yeah, that's right...you're getting a second column this week. I'm making up for lost time, so it's either this or wander aimlessly around Wal-Mart's automotive department.

Here are a few random thoughts about recent items in the news...

-- Did you hear the one about the cat in the bong?

A Lincoln, Neb. man stuffed his girlfriend's six-month old cat inside a 12-by-6-inch base of his bong. The cat was discovered when authorities paid a visit to answer a domestic disturbance and found the man smoking marijuana from the bong.

The man has been arrested and the cat was freed. After eating an entire bag of Meow Mix at the animal shelter, the cat was asked if he was OK. "Meow, dude," the cat said.

-- Southwest Airlines has painted one of its airplanes, and it's got some people thinking about taking "The Mile High Club" to new heights.

Seems the plane has been used as a canvas for Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Bar Refaeli, whose gorgeous body is seen laying across the body of the plane.

Some passengers are objecting to being forced to fly in a plane that features a Sports Illustrated model. Quite honestly, I'd fly the friendly skies a lot more often if the stewardesses looked more like your typical Sports Illustrated swimsuit model than what they currently look like...which is something more along the lines of a typical Sports Illustrated subscriber.

-- Michael Jackson has been cleared by his doctors to perform 10 lives concerts in London, England this year.

Some news items just beg to have jokes written about them. Others write the joke for you. This one falls squarely on the side of the latter, so let's move on...

-- Matt Stafford was an outstanding quarterback at the University of Georgia, but you have to wonder if something's wrong with this young man.

When asked recently who he'd like to play for, he made no bones about it: he wants to play for the Detroit Lions.

Yes...THOSE Detroit Lions...the ones that went 0-16 last year.

Judging from that statement, we must conclude one of two things:

1. Stafford's helmet never got strapped on tight enough during those big games against Florida the last few years

ORRRRR...

2. Georgia's entrance exams for college athletes are REAL easy to pass.

-- This one's for all the Mac fans in the audience, courtesy of Jimmy Fallon:

Did you hear that Microsoft is opening its own stores to challenge Apple's chain of stores?

There's only one problem...if you ask a Microsoft customer service rep for help, they freeze.

-- How messed up is the American political system right now?

Here's today's indicator...it seems the Democratic Party is so paranoid about Rush Limbaugh that they are trying to claim that Limbaugh actually runs the party.

Of course, that pissed off leaders of the GOP, who said Limbaugh is nothing more than an entertainer.

And THAT pissed off Limbaugh, who basically took the GOP to task for forgetting its core values and selling its soul in an effort to win an unwinnable election.

Of course, the leaders of the GOP quickly turned tails like the spineless puppies they are and recanted their statement, which now has Democrats literally pissing themselves with glee as they knock each other over to try to be the first to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"

I'm not one to advocate random violence...but after witnessing this mind-numbingly moronic clusterfuck, if somebody were to drop a bomb and obliterate all of Washington, D.C. tomorrow, would that REALLY be a bad thing for our nation???

-- Just a reminder...six months from tomorrow is the season opener for "the pride of all Nebraska"...the Husker marching band's first big public performance.

I mention this because my daughter, Kylie, is probably going to be a member of the flag squad and would be a part of the band when they take the field at Memorial Stadium for their season opener on Saturday, Sept. 5.

There is a rumor floating around that an otherwise-meaningless game of football will be played in between the band's performances. I guess they're looking for new ways to keep 84,000 people entertained between band performances these days, and this seems to be something that is catching on.

That's all for this time, ladies and gents. As always, if you've enjoyed what you've read, forward the website to a friend. And if you didn't enjoy it...forward it to an enemy.

PAY THE MAN HIS MONEY!!! -- John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in "Rounders"

Just a few thoughts...

Just a few thoughts as I finally catch up from a wild two weeks of state wrestling, poker, broken water heaters and my late-arriving bout with the cold:

-- A member of the Nebraska Legislature wants to make the act of not wearing a seat belt a primary offense, putting it on the same level as running a red light, speeding or any other moving violation.

State Sen. John Harms of Scottsbluff has introduced LB106, which would allow Nebraska to join 26 other states that have seat belt violations as a primary traffic offense. Supposedly, this would qualify the state for more federal funding.

At the present time, you can only be ticketed for a seat belt violation if you get pulled over for another traffic violation. As if cops don't have enough to worry about now, if this bill is passed they will have to keep a closer eye on motorists and try and catch the ones who are riding without a seat belt.

Now I'll be the first to applaud the use of seat belts. Seat belts saved my ass one night when I was involved in a high-speed car crash that caused my car to overturn. Were it not for that seat belt, you probably wouldn't be reading this.

But I'm also one for not having government legislate our day-to-day existence, and I think this is taking another step toward that.

As long as you are not in my vehicle, I feel it is well within your rights to put yourself at risk and not wear a seat belt in your vehicle. You want to put your life on the line and not wear one? Fantastic. Knock yourself out (metaphorically speaking, of course).

If you're in my car, the vehicle doesn't move until you're strapped in. If that's a problem, you have two remaining options: climb in the trunk or get out and walk your sorry ass wherever we're going.

Harms thinks we Nebraskans need to "shed our image as independent-thinking Westerners who don't like government telling them what to do." On the contrary...I think we independent-thinking citizens need to tell those who want to micro-manage our lives through the making of laws such as these need to tell those legislators to go screw themselves.

And I just might get in my car, buckle up, and make the four-hour trek to Lincoln to do just that.

-- Last month, I made over $500 playing poker.

During that same time frame, my IRA lost more than twice that amount.

The stock market has lost more than half its value from a year ago, and has dropped more than 30 percent since Barack Obama took the oath of office as President of the United States.

Right now, I have better odds making money sitting down at a $2-$5 no-limit table with $500 than I do putting that $500 into a retirement account.

Some people take a dim view on games such as poker and the fact that some people can lose a lot of money playing the odds of catching a back-door flush or having a straight run over by a full house.

Comparing that to these financial wizards who keep asking for multi-billion dollar handouts and mismanage company funds to the point that people are losing tens of thousands of dollars every day in the stock market, I really have a hard time telling which is worse for your nest egg.

At this point in time, you have better odds cashing in your IRA and spending the proceeds at the roulette wheel than you do keeping it in the stock market. The only difference is...if you know how certain games are played, you can play the odds and make more money than you do putting your retirement in the hands of some of the swindlers and scumbags on Wall Street.

-- So Alex Rodriguez has copped to using steroids.

How is this news?

The sport that was once known as Major League Baseball is fast becoming the 21st century version of what WWE is to real wrestling...a pathetic phony of the real thing.

Rodriguez' name was among 104 on a list of a group of players who were tested prior to the start of the league's drug-testing program. Those names were not supposed to be released, but Sports Illustrated got a hold of them and outed Rodriguez (while, oddly enough, keeping the other 103 names secret).

I have always loved baseball, but Major League Baseball lost me back in 1994 when the league went on a season-ending strike that killed the World Series. I have not actively followed the sport since then, although I do keep tabs on some of the major stories surrounding the sport.

The league is a shambles, thanks in no small part to its alleged commissioner, Bud Selig. He was the acting commissioner when the 1994 strike took place, and has continued to mismanage the league to the point that it has become a joke.

We have seen so many big-name players succumb to the seduction of steroids. Players like Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and now Rodriguez have sullied the integrity of this once-great American institution, to the point where we now see somebody pull of some amazing feat and ask ourselves, "I wonder if he's juiced, too?"

Until baseball gets a commissioner with the balls to actually do something about the problem -- permanently banning first-time offenders leaps to mind -- Major League Baseball will be a fraud to the real sport. I'll watch college and American Legion baseball, but the pro game is a fake until they get a real commissioner running the game and doing the things that keep cheaters out of the sport for good.

That's this week's column. As always...If you enjoyed it, forward the website to a friend. And if you didn't enjoy it, forward it to an enemy.

Until next time...

Keep On Rockin' In the Guitar Hero World

I'm 42 years old. I'm at the stage in my life where, one might think, I've outgrown some things that I used to enjoy when I was younger.

Like being in a rock and roll band, for instance.

Now I'm not going to kid anybody here...I don't have the rock and roll "look." I'm not tall, lean and lugging an oversized squirrel around in my jockey shorts. I don't own any leather pants that are so tight you have to jump off the roof of your parents house to get into them. Hell, I can't scream at a high enough octave to make the neighbor dog's ears bleed.

And yet, I just can't seem to shake that dream of being a rock and roll star.

I must admit (and those who have heard me can verify this), I'm not a bad karaoke singer. While most stick to the safe, easy-to-sing songs, I'm one to stretch it out a little bit. I'll sing "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple or "Ice Cream Man" by Van Halen. Get us far enough into the evening (read: minimum six beers and five minutes before last call) and I'll even break out Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."

But when it comes to playing instruments...well, that's another story altogether.



That's why I decided recently to take some of my poker winnings and...get ready...learn how to play Guitar Hero.
(My mother knows where I live and work...just have her send the guys with the backward-fitting jackets there.)

Now when you watch one of these guitar greats like Eric Clapton, Carlos Santana, Eddie Van Halen or John Petrucci (guitarist of Dream Theater, the best progressive rock band ever, in my opinion), these guys make playing the guitar look easy. The way they effortlessly maneuver their fingers across the fretboard and somehow never miss a note, regardless of how fast they are playing, is something I could just sit and watch all day.

The problem with that is this...after watching and listening them for a couple of hours, you begin to think to yourself, "Hey...I can do that."

And unless you've been living under a rock lately, you no doubt have heard all this talk about Guitar Hero and Rock Band, video games you can hook up to your Playstation, XBox 360, or Wii game systems and play along with actual songs made by actual rock groups with actual talent. Get a few songs under your belt, and your frickin' Bruce Springsteen (with the E Street Band, if you can get the rest of the family to play the other instruments that come with the game).

Recently, I bought the new Guitar Hero World Tour edition, which came complete with a brand new Fender-lookalike guitar. Attach the straps, insert the remote to the game system, put the game CD in and you are ready to rock your ass off.

Allegedly.

I started out on the easy level with a couple of songs I'm familiar with, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor and "Livin' On A Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Playing on the easy level, I was able to get through both songs without too much trouble.

Then I remembered...there are special cheat codes you can enter into the system that allows you access to many more songs (the original list had a bunch of songs that I didn't know or could care less to learn how to play. "The One I Love" by REM? I'd rather learn how to fart the song "Mary Had A Little Lamb" after a meal of Mexican food).

I found one of my favorite karaoke songs, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I have the words of this song memorized, I thought. I can sing along AND play at the same time.

Uhh...no I can't.

Early on, I discovered that concentrating on the video screen and matching what I was seeing on the screen with what I was doing with the guitar is not near as easy as it looks (I can't even begin to imagine, at this moment, how to learn to play the song on a real guitar). Before long, I thought I was getting a feel for it. As the song continued, though, the notes kept getting tougher and, before long, I started to hear the voices of discontent in the crowd.

I tried to pick things up and really focus, but I couldn't get my fingers in sync. I was either too soon or too late, or I'd just miss the notes altogether. Miss enough notes, and the song's over, the crowd boos unmercifully and the other band members look at you in disgust (oddly enough, this is a fairly accurate description of the last two years of my marriage).

I've watched my daughter and her boyfriend play Guitar Hero, and those two -- compared to me -- are rock legends. My daughter plays the ending solo from Metallica's "One" like she wrote the song (even though the song was out a good 18 months before she was even born). Her boyfriend plays like a maniac. They both make me look like a complete idiot.

And maybe it's just one of those generation things. When video games first came out, it was amusing to watch my parents try to maneuver a joystick and play Asteroids or some other game that my sister and I were experts at.
"Here, Mom," I'd say, taking the joystick from her. "Let me show you how to get out of Level 1 without losing all your lives."

But while my parents quickly learned to give up the video games and let the kids become world-class players, I'm not going to step down from my throne atop the family video game kingdom so quietly. I'm going to work on my Guitar Hero skills and, with a little luck, be able to go toe-to-toe and fret-to-fret with my daughter in a showdown on Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart."

So if you'll excuse me, I've got some rockin' to do.

Green, Red, Green, Red...no, Green, Yellow, Green, Red...no...oh screw it.

Where's Pac Man when you really need him?

Baseball player on steroids? THAT'S news???

Hey, it's good to be back. A lot has happened since you last heard from me here. Let's run down some of the highlights, shall we?

-- The United States elected a black President.

-- The Philadelphia Phillies won a World Series, beating the Tampa Bay Rays.

-- America's Olympic sweetheart is pulling bong hits at frat houses.

-- The nation's economy is in the tank.

-- Unemployment is skyrocketing.

-- A slut in a bikini with no musical talent made the first cut on American Idol.

And yet, with all of that, the only thing anybody seems to want to talk about is yet another overpaid, egomaniacal, professional baseball player taking steroids.

That's news?

Of course it is...any time ESPN breaks into its fifth re-airing of Mike & Mike In The Morning, it's got to be something of vital importance. And if it's not their goofy man-crush over Brett Favre, then it's gotta be really BIG news to make that programming change.

To catch you up on the details...New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was fingered in a Sports Illustrated special report last week as one of 104 players who tested positive for steroids back in 2003 when the organization formerly known as Major League Baseball did a random drug test as part of an agreement with the players' union to get drug testing in the sport.

As part of the agreement, the names were supposed to be kept secret and the results destroyed after a certain period of time.
For whatever reason, that was not done and some crack journalists at Sports Illustrated got the information and released it in a story last week.

Rodriguez was supposed to be baseball's golden child. Alleged commissioner Bud Selig (can anyone detect a hint of a possible negative air about my feelings for Major League Baseball right about now?) has held Rodriguez up as the exception to the rule of today's superstar baseball players who are setting, or working their way toward, records that may never be broken. He was the one that was going to hit 800 or more homers and make the all-time home run record that was prostituted by Barry Bonds (who is well on his way to a nice prison stay after lying about not using steroids) a clean record again, just like it was when Hank Aaron overcame his lack of size (by comparison to Bonds, Mark McGwire and Rodriguez) and the not-so-overt threats of racial hatred to hit 755 home runs in a remarkable career that spanned three decades.

Well guess what? it seems the golden child has a little tarnish on him that's not coming off. And don't think his admission on national television yesterday -- which came two years after he claimed he was clean while doing another television interview -- is going to get him off easy. While he won't face any penalties by the league (the drug tests he failed were done before penalties were put in place) or an interview with Congress (evidently, there's an economy in trouble that's just a little more important), he will have to face the court of public opinion. And after having to deal with Bonds, McGwire, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Jason Giambi, Andy Pettite and whoever else has been caught juicing lately, I don't think he's going to find a very sympathetic court in any of the 30 big-league ballparks. Certainly not at Fenway Park in Boston...if you think the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is an intense one, just wait until Boston fans see ol' A-Rod trot onto their home field.

So what have we learned from this latest made-for-TV controversy, boys and girls? We have two things to focus on:

1. Major League Baseball has become the 21st century version of pro wrestling.

Back in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, athletes used to wrestle professionally, and did it without the benefit of bad story lines, steroid-inflated muscles and sluts with more paint on them than the fans in Madison Square Garden during a sold-out KISS concert. These were real men competing in a real sport, until somebody came up with the idea that it needed more of an entertainment push.

Until probably the mid to late 1970's, wrestling still had an air of legitimacy about it. They were still wrestling, but there was more showmanship to it and the beginning of some storylines that came with pre-determined outcomes to matches. Today, it's nothing more than a pathetic imitation of what it once was, complete with storylines that make porn directors cringe in disgust and an unscrupulous, pathetic leader who seems content with physically abusing people and then, when they no longer hold any entertainment value, casting them aside like yesterday's trash.

Funny...but Major League Baseball is resembling WWE more and more every day. The athletes, more and more, are fake. The stats they put up are fake. And their league is run by an unscrupulous, pathetic leader who seems content with pumping up the athletes, which in turn pumps up the stats, which in turn pumps up the attendance numbers, the memorabilia sales and the ticket prices. And when those "athletes" either break down or run afoul of the court of public opinion, they are cast aside and left to fend for themselves, regardless of which court they happen to be dealing with.

Bud Selig has absolutely wrecked this once great sport and has tarnished its legitimacy to the point that I'm starting to wonder why ESPN, Fox Sports and all the other sports channels waste even one moment discussing what once was America's greatest sport.

2. Our worship of celebrity has gotten way out of control

Remember the Gatorade "I Wanna Be Like Mike" commercials that showed kids trying to play basketball like Michael Jordan?

That's nothing compared to what we, as a society, do with celebrity these days. We build these people up, buy tickets to watch them, build websites and YouTube videos as shrines to their perceived greatness, buy anything they pitch in commercials...and then blow them up as big as day the first time they screw up.

Remember when everybody was fawning over Paris Hilton...until her porn video came out? How about Lindsay Lohan...until she started boozing it up and turned into a lesbian? And what about Britney Spears, the pop queen turned psycho nutjob?

Until A-Rod's recent coming out of the steroid closet, the sports world was all aghast at the pictures of Olympic swimming sensation Michael Phelps, who was photographed taking a hit from a bong at a college party in South Carolina. Oh what a big deal THAT was...until A-Rod's 'roid report.

We put these people up on pedestals and become so disappointed when something comes along and knocks them down. And when you get down to it, these are the WORST people we should be aspiring to be.

I don't want to be like Mike (although I loved watching him play). I don't want to be like Tiger (although I'm looking forward to seeing him reclaim his spot atop the golf world). Hell...there are times I'm not sure I even want to be like ME (usually in the mornings before I've rubbed the sleep out of my eyes...other than that, being me never sucks).

If I'm going to emulate somebody, I want to emulate people who have been successful in their lives and have set a good example for others to follow...like my parents, or my sister, or some of the educational and professional influences I've been blessed with. They aren't perfect by a long shot, but they've set some pretty high bars for others to reach, and those of us who have taken advantage of their talents and wisdom to excel in our own lives look up to them much more often than we'd even consider looking up to some overpaid, drug-riddled pro athlete or some other notable dingbat who is famous only for being famous.

And now, if you'll excuse me...I need to get back to watching our alleged representatives in Congress permanently screw up our nation's economy. This is important stuff we're talking about here...

That's it and that's all...until next time.

***

P.S. - Thanks to all who have offered prayers, words of encouragement and nice thoughts during our recent family situation, which delayed my restarting of this blog.

The good news is that everybody is fine and fit as a fiddle. Adjustments in medication have been made, promises of actual physical exertion have been offered, and my mom is back in top form (well, she's not getting any more dizzy than normal, anyway).

There will be some more additions to this blog, including some official Mikey C video entries, coming soon. And as always...if you like what you see, tell a friend, and if you don't like what you see, tell an enemy.

Now quit screwing around on the Internet and get back to work...

Relaunch delayed

Due to unexpected family situation, the relaunch is delayed. Will update as conditions warrant.