Time to let out the guitar hero in each of us

If you grew up during the rock and roll era (amazingly enough, most of you have, at least in a physical sense), you have played air guitar at least once in your life.

You may not publicly admit to it, but you have. You know you have. And you're full of crap if you say you haven't.

When The Beatles and The Rolling Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, it spawned zillions of otherwise semi-intelligent members of the human race to pick up a guitar and start their own local band.

Most never made it out of mom's basement (actually, most had one appearance in mom's basement, then were banished to the shed out in back with the lawn mower). Some played small venues, such as their backyard or Moe's Cafe on the corner in their home town. A handful actually graduated to playing the senior prom in their high school gymnasiums (while missing out on the REAL graduation that took place a few weeks later).

A select few, however, found their way to the big time. They recorded an album. The album found its way to some podunk radio station in North Dakota. Then South Dakota. And, if they were really lucky, they made it to actual radio stations with an audience of more than 1,000 people. Only the extremely blessed made it big enough to record a few albums, get them played all over the country, make a guest appearance on a talk show, go on their own headlining tour and subsequently break up amid a haze of drugs, booze, ex-girlfriends, wrecked Ferraris and sexually-transmitted diseases that become fodder for an episode of VH1's "Behind The Music."

But enough about the real world...let's talk about that fantasy we all shared: playing guitar in a rock and roll band.

Most of the time, our experience was limited to standing in front of the mirror in our bathroom, the door locked behind us, and the stereo cranked loud enough that people in neighboring counties would complain about the noise. We mimicked the strumming on our belt buckle, held our other hand out as we hit the note perfectly on the fret each and every time and, if we were talented enough, would lip-synch the lyrics better than Britney Spears.

Sometimes, we would be caught in the act of jamming out to our favorite guitar-oriented song. Did we give a damn? HELL NO...we were too busy rockin' to care what we looked like. We were legends...in our own mind, but legends nonetheless.

Well, now there's a little something out there for us wannabe Yngwie Malmsteens in the audience (and if you actually KNOW a Yngwie Malmsteen song, you are a true guitar rock fan) called Guitar Hero. It's a video game that can be played on XBox, Playstation or whatever video gaming console you've got, and it comes with its own guitar that can be connected to the game system, giving you the chance to be the Jimi Hendrix you always thought you could be.

I broke down recently and bought the newest version, complete with a WIRELESS system that allows me to play guitar in the kitchen, on the toilet, in my bed or standing in my underwear on the front porch in broad daylight (I haven't actually TRIED the front porch thing yet, but if I master Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" anytime soon, I'm going to walk out in my Hanes briefs and do just that. And don't think for one second that I won't...).

In learning how to play the "guitar" setup, though, I have discovered some useful tips that the game's how-to section doesn't tell you. Here are some things to think about before you turn on, plug in, tune out and rock on:

1. Ted Nugent can lean back from his knees during the solo to "Strangelhold." You are NOT Ted Nugent.

After playing a couple of songs and beginning to feel a groove while you're playing, you tend to either lean on one leg or kind of bounce up and down like you're trying to shake an unexploded fart bubble from your boxers. If you don't stretch out beforehand, you will feel it in your knees, and it's a feeling that closely resembles the feeling when somebody comes up from behind and whacks you in the back of the legs with a golf club.

And as much as you try to avoid it, you will make goofy faces while trying to hit certain notes, just like the real guitar players do. Don't fight it...just feel the groove, baby.

2. Your attention please...that is, your UNDIVIDED attention, dumbass.

There is very little room for error with this game. It's not like Galaga, where if you miss the ship the first time it floats by, you can always get it the next time around.

The notes come at you on an endless fretboard, and you have to hit the right fret color to match the color that is coming up next, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME clicking the strum key in the middle of the guitar.

You can't do one and not the other. It has to be in sync, and it has to be right on or you don't score points. And if you screw that up enough times, you start getting booed (and not the fake booing your family does to make fun of your playing air guitar in the living room...or is this something that only I had to experience in my youth???). Screw it up really bad, and you not only get booed, but the song ends prematurely and your band members boo you off the stage as well.

And if your friend calls about playing poker next weekend while you're in the middle of a Scorpions solo? Don't hit pause in the middle of the solo. You'll ruin your consecutive note streak, screw up your chances for high score and will hate your friend for breaking into your rhythm. And then you'll try to take it out on him at the poker table the next night, but will play angry and lose your entire paycheck in the process. And there's really nothing more pathetic than a hung over, broke, wannabe guitar player.

3. Who the *#@%^#$ is Bullet For My Valentine???

The new Guitar Hero: World Tour game contains a bunch of great classic tunes, with songs like Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train," the Pat Benatar classic "Heartbreaker" and even FM radio hits like "Do It Again" from Steely Dan and "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band. There is even Michael Jackson's "Beat It" (which, if you remember featured the guitar wizardry of one Edward Van Halen).

There are, however, songs by groups who I'm vaguely familiar with, but wouldn't know their music if somebody shoved an iPod full of their tunes up my ass. They're SO unfamiliar that I can't even tell you the names of the bands. And if they're unfamiliar to me, why would I bother to play songs I've never heard before?

4. "Medium" = "Impossible"

There are five levels you can play at, and each one is progressively tougher.

"Beginner" is for people whose hand-eye coordination is one step on the south side of retardation. If you can't play along at this level, you should sell your Playstation and stick to playing solitaire on your PC.

"Easy" is a little more challenging, but not really that tough as long as you follow the three previous rules above. I struggled with just one song at this level, which wouldn't have been so bad except it was Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," which is my all-time favorite karaoke song. Singing this song is easy... playing it, not so much.

"Medium" is where things get hairy. It's not all that difficult to strum along using three of the five fret keys. Using your index, middle and ring fingers, it's pretty easy to keep up. Throw that pinky finger in, though, and the confusion factor multiplies. If it's a fast-paced song, don't even try this. You will be booed offstage within the first 50 notes. And there are no winners when that happens.

After that are "Hard" and "Expert" -- if you can play any song at this level with any kind of reasonable accuracy...I hate you and will break all 10 of your fingers with a brick if I ever get the chance.

Guitar Hero has fast become one of the most popular video games on the planet (another game, Rock Band, is a clone of the Guitar Hero franchise), and some bands have even signed deals to have exclusive versions of the game featuring many of their hits. Metallica and Aerosmith already have their own games, and I'm sure it won't be long before we see other classic bands get their own game.

It will be yet another chance for the rock star in all of us to live out our dreams of being a guitar god, so long as we remember to sit down while we're playing that big solo in "Kick Out The Jams."

I'd love to write some more, but I need to get back to the guitar. I need to bang my head and nail the solo to a Motorhead song before bedtime.

ROCK ON, DUDES...YEAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOWWWWW!!!!

The cat in the...uh...bong?

Yeah, that's right...you're getting a second column this week. I'm making up for lost time, so it's either this or wander aimlessly around Wal-Mart's automotive department.

Here are a few random thoughts about recent items in the news...

-- Did you hear the one about the cat in the bong?

A Lincoln, Neb. man stuffed his girlfriend's six-month old cat inside a 12-by-6-inch base of his bong. The cat was discovered when authorities paid a visit to answer a domestic disturbance and found the man smoking marijuana from the bong.

The man has been arrested and the cat was freed. After eating an entire bag of Meow Mix at the animal shelter, the cat was asked if he was OK. "Meow, dude," the cat said.

-- Southwest Airlines has painted one of its airplanes, and it's got some people thinking about taking "The Mile High Club" to new heights.

Seems the plane has been used as a canvas for Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Bar Refaeli, whose gorgeous body is seen laying across the body of the plane.

Some passengers are objecting to being forced to fly in a plane that features a Sports Illustrated model. Quite honestly, I'd fly the friendly skies a lot more often if the stewardesses looked more like your typical Sports Illustrated swimsuit model than what they currently look like...which is something more along the lines of a typical Sports Illustrated subscriber.

-- Michael Jackson has been cleared by his doctors to perform 10 lives concerts in London, England this year.

Some news items just beg to have jokes written about them. Others write the joke for you. This one falls squarely on the side of the latter, so let's move on...

-- Matt Stafford was an outstanding quarterback at the University of Georgia, but you have to wonder if something's wrong with this young man.

When asked recently who he'd like to play for, he made no bones about it: he wants to play for the Detroit Lions.

Yes...THOSE Detroit Lions...the ones that went 0-16 last year.

Judging from that statement, we must conclude one of two things:

1. Stafford's helmet never got strapped on tight enough during those big games against Florida the last few years

ORRRRR...

2. Georgia's entrance exams for college athletes are REAL easy to pass.

-- This one's for all the Mac fans in the audience, courtesy of Jimmy Fallon:

Did you hear that Microsoft is opening its own stores to challenge Apple's chain of stores?

There's only one problem...if you ask a Microsoft customer service rep for help, they freeze.

-- How messed up is the American political system right now?

Here's today's indicator...it seems the Democratic Party is so paranoid about Rush Limbaugh that they are trying to claim that Limbaugh actually runs the party.

Of course, that pissed off leaders of the GOP, who said Limbaugh is nothing more than an entertainer.

And THAT pissed off Limbaugh, who basically took the GOP to task for forgetting its core values and selling its soul in an effort to win an unwinnable election.

Of course, the leaders of the GOP quickly turned tails like the spineless puppies they are and recanted their statement, which now has Democrats literally pissing themselves with glee as they knock each other over to try to be the first to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"

I'm not one to advocate random violence...but after witnessing this mind-numbingly moronic clusterfuck, if somebody were to drop a bomb and obliterate all of Washington, D.C. tomorrow, would that REALLY be a bad thing for our nation???

-- Just a reminder...six months from tomorrow is the season opener for "the pride of all Nebraska"...the Husker marching band's first big public performance.

I mention this because my daughter, Kylie, is probably going to be a member of the flag squad and would be a part of the band when they take the field at Memorial Stadium for their season opener on Saturday, Sept. 5.

There is a rumor floating around that an otherwise-meaningless game of football will be played in between the band's performances. I guess they're looking for new ways to keep 84,000 people entertained between band performances these days, and this seems to be something that is catching on.

That's all for this time, ladies and gents. As always, if you've enjoyed what you've read, forward the website to a friend. And if you didn't enjoy it...forward it to an enemy.

PAY THE MAN HIS MONEY!!! -- John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in "Rounders"

Just a few thoughts...

Just a few thoughts as I finally catch up from a wild two weeks of state wrestling, poker, broken water heaters and my late-arriving bout with the cold:

-- A member of the Nebraska Legislature wants to make the act of not wearing a seat belt a primary offense, putting it on the same level as running a red light, speeding or any other moving violation.

State Sen. John Harms of Scottsbluff has introduced LB106, which would allow Nebraska to join 26 other states that have seat belt violations as a primary traffic offense. Supposedly, this would qualify the state for more federal funding.

At the present time, you can only be ticketed for a seat belt violation if you get pulled over for another traffic violation. As if cops don't have enough to worry about now, if this bill is passed they will have to keep a closer eye on motorists and try and catch the ones who are riding without a seat belt.

Now I'll be the first to applaud the use of seat belts. Seat belts saved my ass one night when I was involved in a high-speed car crash that caused my car to overturn. Were it not for that seat belt, you probably wouldn't be reading this.

But I'm also one for not having government legislate our day-to-day existence, and I think this is taking another step toward that.

As long as you are not in my vehicle, I feel it is well within your rights to put yourself at risk and not wear a seat belt in your vehicle. You want to put your life on the line and not wear one? Fantastic. Knock yourself out (metaphorically speaking, of course).

If you're in my car, the vehicle doesn't move until you're strapped in. If that's a problem, you have two remaining options: climb in the trunk or get out and walk your sorry ass wherever we're going.

Harms thinks we Nebraskans need to "shed our image as independent-thinking Westerners who don't like government telling them what to do." On the contrary...I think we independent-thinking citizens need to tell those who want to micro-manage our lives through the making of laws such as these need to tell those legislators to go screw themselves.

And I just might get in my car, buckle up, and make the four-hour trek to Lincoln to do just that.

-- Last month, I made over $500 playing poker.

During that same time frame, my IRA lost more than twice that amount.

The stock market has lost more than half its value from a year ago, and has dropped more than 30 percent since Barack Obama took the oath of office as President of the United States.

Right now, I have better odds making money sitting down at a $2-$5 no-limit table with $500 than I do putting that $500 into a retirement account.

Some people take a dim view on games such as poker and the fact that some people can lose a lot of money playing the odds of catching a back-door flush or having a straight run over by a full house.

Comparing that to these financial wizards who keep asking for multi-billion dollar handouts and mismanage company funds to the point that people are losing tens of thousands of dollars every day in the stock market, I really have a hard time telling which is worse for your nest egg.

At this point in time, you have better odds cashing in your IRA and spending the proceeds at the roulette wheel than you do keeping it in the stock market. The only difference is...if you know how certain games are played, you can play the odds and make more money than you do putting your retirement in the hands of some of the swindlers and scumbags on Wall Street.

-- So Alex Rodriguez has copped to using steroids.

How is this news?

The sport that was once known as Major League Baseball is fast becoming the 21st century version of what WWE is to real wrestling...a pathetic phony of the real thing.

Rodriguez' name was among 104 on a list of a group of players who were tested prior to the start of the league's drug-testing program. Those names were not supposed to be released, but Sports Illustrated got a hold of them and outed Rodriguez (while, oddly enough, keeping the other 103 names secret).

I have always loved baseball, but Major League Baseball lost me back in 1994 when the league went on a season-ending strike that killed the World Series. I have not actively followed the sport since then, although I do keep tabs on some of the major stories surrounding the sport.

The league is a shambles, thanks in no small part to its alleged commissioner, Bud Selig. He was the acting commissioner when the 1994 strike took place, and has continued to mismanage the league to the point that it has become a joke.

We have seen so many big-name players succumb to the seduction of steroids. Players like Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and now Rodriguez have sullied the integrity of this once-great American institution, to the point where we now see somebody pull of some amazing feat and ask ourselves, "I wonder if he's juiced, too?"

Until baseball gets a commissioner with the balls to actually do something about the problem -- permanently banning first-time offenders leaps to mind -- Major League Baseball will be a fraud to the real sport. I'll watch college and American Legion baseball, but the pro game is a fake until they get a real commissioner running the game and doing the things that keep cheaters out of the sport for good.

That's this week's column. As always...If you enjoyed it, forward the website to a friend. And if you didn't enjoy it, forward it to an enemy.

Until next time...