Spending $310 million just too much work

Don't you hate it when you make life-changing plans, only to have somebody come along and screw them up?

Late last week, I bought a Powerball lottery ticket. I got a computer-generated series of numbers that, I assumed, was going to be worth over $300 million in annuity -- or $140 million in cash, depending on which way I wanted to go.

As I drove home with the winning numbers in my back pocket, the question suddenly leaped to the front of my mind -- what am I going to do with all this damn money? After all, I'm going to be going from living paycheck to paycheck to having a lot of extra cash floating around.

When I got home, I began putting together a list of how the money would be spent. Obviously, once somebody wins the lottery, there are going to be all kinds of dreamers, schemers and leeches trying to figure out how they are going to get to my newfound riches, so I need to protect myself.

Here's how things break down (and I'm working with the cash amount, because once you get past a certain amount, does it really matter HOW MANY millions you are worth?) . . .

Taxes -- about $50 million. That leaves me with $90 million to play with.

Invest half of what's left -- $45 million off the top, and my month-to-month expenses can be taken care of using the interest. That leaves me with $45 million to take care of the rest of my agenda.

Pay off all outstanding debts -- about $25,000, including loans from family, leaving me with $44,975,000.

Finance my daughter's education -- $100,000 should cover it, which brings me to $44,875,000.

Upgrade my personal situation -- A new car, house and furniture would come in at around $300,000. Amount left: $44,575,000.

Take care of "my circle" -- Set aside $25 million for family and my closest group of friends for them to do whatever tripped their trigger (and if you have to inquire as to whether or not you're in that circle, the answer is no). That leaves $19,575,000.

Spend a week playing poker in Las Vegas, because now I can -- $1 million, bringing the balance available down to $18,575,000.

Donate money to local churches -- A good $5 million will bring me down to $13,575,000.

Hire a lawyer to take care of all the paperwork regarding these transactions -- let's round it off at $75,000 to bring the balance down to an even $13.5 million.

Now here is where the trouble starts . . . what does a guy do with $13.5 million when he's done everything he needs to do?

I'd get bored going on vacations all the time, so that idea is out. I could buy new golf equipment and spend my days playing golf all the time, but that would get boring after a while. I could set up an RV in the parking lot of the Horseshoe Casino and do nothing but play poker, but even Phil Hellmuth has to spend some time away from the felt.

Some past Powerball winners blew their money on bad business decisions, shady characters and a never-ending mix of booze and broads. A guy can get bored really easy when he's got all that money and all that time to work with, creating more problems than he'd have had he not won the big prize.

Unfortunately, these are problems I'm not going to have to worry about, because I found out late Saturday night that some schmuck in Indiana wound up winning the $310 million Powerball jackpot. I'm sure he's frantically running around trying to figure out what he's going to do with all that damned extra cash he's got lying around.

So while he does that, I'm forced to roll out of the rack, hit the showers and get ready for another day on the job at $12.50 an hour, the way I have been every day for all these years. It's another month of living within a tight budget, making the next car payment and waiting for the ship to come in.

And, boy, does that take a lot of pressure off of me -- spending $140 million is just too much work compared to the 8-to-5 gig.