The cat in the...uh...bong?

Yeah, that's right...you're getting a second column this week. I'm making up for lost time, so it's either this or wander aimlessly around Wal-Mart's automotive department.

Here are a few random thoughts about recent items in the news...

-- Did you hear the one about the cat in the bong?

A Lincoln, Neb. man stuffed his girlfriend's six-month old cat inside a 12-by-6-inch base of his bong. The cat was discovered when authorities paid a visit to answer a domestic disturbance and found the man smoking marijuana from the bong.

The man has been arrested and the cat was freed. After eating an entire bag of Meow Mix at the animal shelter, the cat was asked if he was OK. "Meow, dude," the cat said.

-- Southwest Airlines has painted one of its airplanes, and it's got some people thinking about taking "The Mile High Club" to new heights.

Seems the plane has been used as a canvas for Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Bar Refaeli, whose gorgeous body is seen laying across the body of the plane.

Some passengers are objecting to being forced to fly in a plane that features a Sports Illustrated model. Quite honestly, I'd fly the friendly skies a lot more often if the stewardesses looked more like your typical Sports Illustrated swimsuit model than what they currently look like...which is something more along the lines of a typical Sports Illustrated subscriber.

-- Michael Jackson has been cleared by his doctors to perform 10 lives concerts in London, England this year.

Some news items just beg to have jokes written about them. Others write the joke for you. This one falls squarely on the side of the latter, so let's move on...

-- Matt Stafford was an outstanding quarterback at the University of Georgia, but you have to wonder if something's wrong with this young man.

When asked recently who he'd like to play for, he made no bones about it: he wants to play for the Detroit Lions.

Yes...THOSE Detroit Lions...the ones that went 0-16 last year.

Judging from that statement, we must conclude one of two things:

1. Stafford's helmet never got strapped on tight enough during those big games against Florida the last few years

ORRRRR...

2. Georgia's entrance exams for college athletes are REAL easy to pass.

-- This one's for all the Mac fans in the audience, courtesy of Jimmy Fallon:

Did you hear that Microsoft is opening its own stores to challenge Apple's chain of stores?

There's only one problem...if you ask a Microsoft customer service rep for help, they freeze.

-- How messed up is the American political system right now?

Here's today's indicator...it seems the Democratic Party is so paranoid about Rush Limbaugh that they are trying to claim that Limbaugh actually runs the party.

Of course, that pissed off leaders of the GOP, who said Limbaugh is nothing more than an entertainer.

And THAT pissed off Limbaugh, who basically took the GOP to task for forgetting its core values and selling its soul in an effort to win an unwinnable election.

Of course, the leaders of the GOP quickly turned tails like the spineless puppies they are and recanted their statement, which now has Democrats literally pissing themselves with glee as they knock each other over to try to be the first to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"

I'm not one to advocate random violence...but after witnessing this mind-numbingly moronic clusterfuck, if somebody were to drop a bomb and obliterate all of Washington, D.C. tomorrow, would that REALLY be a bad thing for our nation???

-- Just a reminder...six months from tomorrow is the season opener for "the pride of all Nebraska"...the Husker marching band's first big public performance.

I mention this because my daughter, Kylie, is probably going to be a member of the flag squad and would be a part of the band when they take the field at Memorial Stadium for their season opener on Saturday, Sept. 5.

There is a rumor floating around that an otherwise-meaningless game of football will be played in between the band's performances. I guess they're looking for new ways to keep 84,000 people entertained between band performances these days, and this seems to be something that is catching on.

That's all for this time, ladies and gents. As always, if you've enjoyed what you've read, forward the website to a friend. And if you didn't enjoy it...forward it to an enemy.

PAY THE MAN HIS MONEY!!! -- John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in "Rounders"