If you grew up during the rock and roll era (amazingly enough, most of you have, at least in a physical sense), you have played air guitar at least once in your life.
You may not publicly admit to it, but you have. You know you have. And you're full of crap if you say you haven't.
When The Beatles and The Rolling Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, it spawned zillions of otherwise semi-intelligent members of the human race to pick up a guitar and start their own local band.
Most never made it out of mom's basement (actually, most had one appearance in mom's basement, then were banished to the shed out in back with the lawn mower). Some played small venues, such as their backyard or Moe's Cafe on the corner in their home town. A handful actually graduated to playing the senior prom in their high school gymnasiums (while missing out on the REAL graduation that took place a few weeks later).
A select few, however, found their way to the big time. They recorded an album. The album found its way to some podunk radio station in North Dakota. Then South Dakota. And, if they were really lucky, they made it to actual radio stations with an audience of more than 1,000 people. Only the extremely blessed made it big enough to record a few albums, get them played all over the country, make a guest appearance on a talk show, go on their own headlining tour and subsequently break up amid a haze of drugs, booze, ex-girlfriends, wrecked Ferraris and sexually-transmitted diseases that become fodder for an episode of VH1's "Behind The Music."
But enough about the real world...let's talk about that fantasy we all shared: playing guitar in a rock and roll band.
Most of the time, our experience was limited to standing in front of the mirror in our bathroom, the door locked behind us, and the stereo cranked loud enough that people in neighboring counties would complain about the noise. We mimicked the strumming on our belt buckle, held our other hand out as we hit the note perfectly on the fret each and every time and, if we were talented enough, would lip-synch the lyrics better than Britney Spears.
Sometimes, we would be caught in the act of jamming out to our favorite guitar-oriented song. Did we give a damn? HELL NO...we were too busy rockin' to care what we looked like. We were legends...in our own mind, but legends nonetheless.
Well, now there's a little something out there for us wannabe Yngwie Malmsteens in the audience (and if you actually KNOW a Yngwie Malmsteen song, you are a true guitar rock fan) called Guitar Hero. It's a video game that can be played on XBox, Playstation or whatever video gaming console you've got, and it comes with its own guitar that can be connected to the game system, giving you the chance to be the Jimi Hendrix you always thought you could be.
I broke down recently and bought the newest version, complete with a WIRELESS system that allows me to play guitar in the kitchen, on the toilet, in my bed or standing in my underwear on the front porch in broad daylight (I haven't actually TRIED the front porch thing yet, but if I master Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" anytime soon, I'm going to walk out in my Hanes briefs and do just that. And don't think for one second that I won't...).
In learning how to play the "guitar" setup, though, I have discovered some useful tips that the game's how-to section doesn't tell you. Here are some things to think about before you turn on, plug in, tune out and rock on:
1. Ted Nugent can lean back from his knees during the solo to "Strangelhold." You are NOT Ted Nugent.
After playing a couple of songs and beginning to feel a groove while you're playing, you tend to either lean on one leg or kind of bounce up and down like you're trying to shake an unexploded fart bubble from your boxers. If you don't stretch out beforehand, you will feel it in your knees, and it's a feeling that closely resembles the feeling when somebody comes up from behind and whacks you in the back of the legs with a golf club.
And as much as you try to avoid it, you will make goofy faces while trying to hit certain notes, just like the real guitar players do. Don't fight it...just feel the groove, baby.
2. Your attention please...that is, your UNDIVIDED attention, dumbass.
There is very little room for error with this game. It's not like Galaga, where if you miss the ship the first time it floats by, you can always get it the next time around.
The notes come at you on an endless fretboard, and you have to hit the right fret color to match the color that is coming up next, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME clicking the strum key in the middle of the guitar.
You can't do one and not the other. It has to be in sync, and it has to be right on or you don't score points. And if you screw that up enough times, you start getting booed (and not the fake booing your family does to make fun of your playing air guitar in the living room...or is this something that only I had to experience in my youth???). Screw it up really bad, and you not only get booed, but the song ends prematurely and your band members boo you off the stage as well.
And if your friend calls about playing poker next weekend while you're in the middle of a Scorpions solo? Don't hit pause in the middle of the solo. You'll ruin your consecutive note streak, screw up your chances for high score and will hate your friend for breaking into your rhythm. And then you'll try to take it out on him at the poker table the next night, but will play angry and lose your entire paycheck in the process. And there's really nothing more pathetic than a hung over, broke, wannabe guitar player.
3. Who the *#@%^#$ is Bullet For My Valentine???
The new Guitar Hero: World Tour game contains a bunch of great classic tunes, with songs like Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train," the Pat Benatar classic "Heartbreaker" and even FM radio hits like "Do It Again" from Steely Dan and "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band. There is even Michael Jackson's "Beat It" (which, if you remember featured the guitar wizardry of one Edward Van Halen).
There are, however, songs by groups who I'm vaguely familiar with, but wouldn't know their music if somebody shoved an iPod full of their tunes up my ass. They're SO unfamiliar that I can't even tell you the names of the bands. And if they're unfamiliar to me, why would I bother to play songs I've never heard before?
4. "Medium" = "Impossible"
There are five levels you can play at, and each one is progressively tougher.
"Beginner" is for people whose hand-eye coordination is one step on the south side of retardation. If you can't play along at this level, you should sell your Playstation and stick to playing solitaire on your PC.
"Easy" is a little more challenging, but not really that tough as long as you follow the three previous rules above. I struggled with just one song at this level, which wouldn't have been so bad except it was Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," which is my all-time favorite karaoke song. Singing this song is easy... playing it, not so much.
"Medium" is where things get hairy. It's not all that difficult to strum along using three of the five fret keys. Using your index, middle and ring fingers, it's pretty easy to keep up. Throw that pinky finger in, though, and the confusion factor multiplies. If it's a fast-paced song, don't even try this. You will be booed offstage within the first 50 notes. And there are no winners when that happens.
After that are "Hard" and "Expert" -- if you can play any song at this level with any kind of reasonable accuracy...I hate you and will break all 10 of your fingers with a brick if I ever get the chance.
Guitar Hero has fast become one of the most popular video games on the planet (another game, Rock Band, is a clone of the Guitar Hero franchise), and some bands have even signed deals to have exclusive versions of the game featuring many of their hits. Metallica and Aerosmith already have their own games, and I'm sure it won't be long before we see other classic bands get their own game.
It will be yet another chance for the rock star in all of us to live out our dreams of being a guitar god, so long as we remember to sit down while we're playing that big solo in "Kick Out The Jams."
I'd love to write some more, but I need to get back to the guitar. I need to bang my head and nail the solo to a Motorhead song before bedtime.
ROCK ON, DUDES...YEAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOWWWWW!!!!
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